The Highs and Lows of Mr Muscle04th November 2008
So why, why, why have they replaced our beloved Mr Muscle - a man so weak and inept that he gave all of us hope that our ovens couldn't possibly stay greasy for long if even he could remove the baked-on remains of grandma's over-roasted duck - with what looks like James Marsden. Why?
Mr Muscles proved to the world that you didn't need to be talented, good-looking, charming or indeed have the ability to walk properly to get your oven clean. Before then, we were in pandemonium. In the late 1960's everyone from fire fighters to Richard Nixon himself were called in to fight the 'greasy oven' crisis. Your everyday layman was ill-equipped to cope with those baked on stains. But then came hope. Then came, Mr Muscle. His dirty vest reminded us our our dirty vest. His lanky limbs reminded us of our girth-deficient penises. This was a man who seemed so incredibly unable to deal with even a coffee spill onto linoleum and yet - somehow - he could clean an oven with a single wipe. The world was changed forever. If he could do it, then why not the rest of us?
Now though it seems that grease is winning the war again, and - just as the troubles of dwindling cod reserves in the North Sea called out for action - James Marsden is back to fight our war for us, and we are left in the sidelines.
Global Warming: Energy Efficient?07th August 2008
I mean, I'm no scientist* but it seems that we're already achieving the thing we wanted most of all. Now if only we can convert all this heat energy back into car energy again, we'll have the whole thing licked. And speaking of licked, this global warming is making my ice cream melt faster than I can devour it. Num, num.
*[Stuart's educational background is in physics and maths - Ed]
Tales from beyond the Comic10th July 2008
Yesterday they replaced the Choc-On-Top flapjacks in the sole vending machine with Crazin' Raizin flapjacks.
I accepted it when they replaced the Kit Kat Chunkies with Alpen fruit crunch bars; there were still standard Kit Kats, I decided. But this - the Choc-on-Top flapjacks were for the moments of dispair, when I could forget I was a place the rest of the workforce has dubbed "Two Towers" (despite there being three towers), and I could remember that I would be going home at the end of the day. But now... raisins? I hate raisins! Raisins are one of two things I just can't stand to eat - only two things and they put one of them in my bloody flapjacks. This is some kind of negligence from the COO, for sure. I can sue.
It was Probably Under the Boob09th July 2008
Incidentally, the Independent had a picture of the girl, clothed, holding out her bra with a plastic bat inside; the Metro decided to go with the girl wearing only her bra, looking mock-shocked. The Daily Mail went with one of each, trying to look upmarket, but caving under the pressure of having a busty 19-year old in underwear splashed on their pages. The BBC news site had no photo, but was the only one to mention her size. I don't know why I'm fascinated with this story so much.
Abbie Hawkins is my new hero.
Monkies: Ready to Enslave Us All29th May 2008
It seems they have duped scientists working among them into creating fearsome mechanical arms which are directly wired to the monkies' own brains. This means that any desire to crush, destroy or mutilate can now be carried out at the simplest whim. Not content with their Cold War style offensive by transmitting both the AIDS virus and the virus that nearly killed Dustin Hoffman and Rene Russo, they are now taking a leaf from the book of the common hooligan and getting ready to punch us straight in the face with their tiny steel fists.
"Monkies have long been jealous of the size and strength of humans," Professor Stephen Hawkins might have said. "but now the tide is turning and with this new found mechanical power, what's to stop an animal threat on the scale of Jurassic Park, or even Arachnaphobia?" We continued to postulate that Hawkins would have suggested the removal of all primates from advanced science laboratories, moving them to theoretical departments to help solve long standing mysteries like gravity and souffles.
DJ Thinks He's Willy Wonka08th October 2007
Join the Revolution19th July 2007
http://www.wulffmorgenthaler.com/default.aspx?id=94b9879e-e9b5-4ffb-b083-b6415fa2e802
RR!! RAAAWWRR! RAAWRRWWR!!
Hammerhead Havoc02nd June 2007
The Cutty Sark swims with the fishes - finally.21st May 2007